Transition

Swimming pool

I feel as if I'm drowning.
I haven't even jumped in yet
There is no swimsuit that fits this body
It is work in progress
I yearn to forget the days of bikinis
Yet I can almost taste the freedom of a bare chest and board shorts
For now I sit on the pool deck
My T-shirt and shorts are just as suffocating
Watching my friends frolick
I say I'm sick or can't swim
Because the truth isn't something I'm ready to share.

Bathroom

I can't hold it anymore
"Excuse me, where's the bathroom"
It's men's or women's
One or the other
How I wish I could just go to the urinal and drop my pants.
But it's not that simple
I'm not a girl but is the women's safer?
There's yelling but less violence
Please just let me pee
Don't look me in the eyes
I know I don't look like I belong
But I do, at least I'm trying to
And hey, why didn't you wash your hands?

Name Games

That's a cool name
Thanks I picked it myself
You look at me confused
As if I owe you an explanation
Please don't ask me "what's your real name"
This is my real name
It's as real as my pulse
It's what defines me
The person with the name you search for
She never really existed
So please let's leave it here
My name is Jasper
And yes it rocks
And when people ask where my parents found it
I smile
I tell them "my parents are geologists"

Coming out
I didn't have to come out
Everyone already knew
Except me
They said they knew since I was five
Look at a photo album and you'd know too
But I still didn't know that I could be happy
Not forced to be someone I never was
Thank God for the internet and friends
Those who said "it's ok to be trans, you don't have to hide anymore"
Yes, I came out. Phone calls, email, social media.
Everyone said they knew
I guess it took telling others for me to tell myself

Someone
I'm looking for someone like me
To show I'm not alone
I turn on the TV
And I rarely see someone like me
I know nothing of our history
Are our stories not important
Are you afraid you'll lose viewers when we are beamed into your living rooms
But there is a boy
Fresh out of the closet
And he is searching
For someone, something to let him know
Let him know he is not alone
And he turns on the TV, goes to Netflix, pops in a movie
In hope he will see someone like him
He sighs, he just feels more alone.
He is looking for someone like him

Man
You say that I am a man in your eyes
But yet your actions speak differently
If I am to be a man I must fit into your box
Your box of masculine ideals circa 1955
You say I am a man, then you ask me to play a lesbian
Last time I checked I wasn't a lesbian, I was a man
What point we're you trying to make
I hear you sigh when I tell you my pronouns
As if respecting my existence is too difficult for you
You told me I was just doing this to make your life more difficult
I'm sorry that my true self, my true happiness makes your life difficult, wait...no I'm not.
You try to push me out of men's spaces
Spaces where I should belong as I am a man
The path to manhood is an individual journey
One different for everyone
What's wrong with my journey?

Menstruation
When I buy pads and tampons
I say they're for my girlfriend
A man on his period is something we have yet to grasp
When Aunt Flo visits her nephews
She cries for them
For the pain they feel every month
The reminder that the insides don't match the out
How do you cover up bleeding through your pants?
It's as if every month my masculinity is stripped from me
My sister says not to be ashamed
Man is in the title
I'm slowly learning to accept
That I am a man
And I MANstruate