trauma bonding

i wish you touched me out of innocence 

and not because i was innocent

prying me open like a toddler looking at budding flowers 

and pressing me onto your pages like dead ones

i don't know why i keep going back to earth 

feeling like spoiled milk 

my teeth were rotten even when you forced me to brush them 

i can't make decisions in front of you

so i did them in private 

saying yes to people in dim rooms

your face is always morphing on theirs 

i grew up wanting to be everything you hate

so you'd never have a reason to confide in my mouth anymore 

i miss drinking pink seltzer and pretending it's champagne 

i smoke cigarettes to the orange and burn your reminance out my gums

i rather let myself rot than let you continue to grow in my hair 

i wish you weren't so sick and contagious 

breathing in your virus i give it to others 

finding you again in the ones i love most

you can never leave my fingertips 

every breath i take is yours

and everyone you hurt is another version of me

i wonder if you'll call me again 

and i wonder if i'll answer