Trembling Convulsions

i'm on a fucking autoped escalator and i can't escape
the irrelevant shrivel of hope you call life is a vicious and seditious cycle
as the dawn breaks my abstract body convulses and reshapes
into the irrelevant millennial with no hope of revival
the fleshy- five fingered mechanism begins to absterge the dried salt crusted around the eyes of the girl staring back through the broken mirror
breaking from dissociation the bone splitting pain strikes from the mechanism as the withered yellow red gauze unveils the truths from the dusk that, with false images of a dreamy night in a beautiful womans arms ,veiled the broken bloodied knuckles this lovely mirror left behind.
you slap on your face
concealing every flaw
not shedding a single tear
in order to become the being you wish to be
and suddenly
you've done it again
you've gazed upon your reflection for far too long
you’ve always accepted your ...unsightly anti-beauty. Physical features are a construct and you don’t need to acknowledge them so much as fit into them.
But part of you deep down can't help but wish and pray to be soft faced and naive.
you sink deep, further than the hazel eyes betraying your hollow soul
irrelevance is inevitable
irrelevance is inevitable
irrelevance is inevitable
snap out of it
slap your spine up straight
crack your bloody knuckles
take a swig from last nights left overs
two prozac later  and a xanex for the road
you're good to go .
you are perfectly capable of being okay.  

go ahead , keep compensating.
awake at dawn and detach from your silver casing
your eyes glazed over with dried tears of the nights past
walk to your bus stop like a normal adolescent
hum along to your angsty music and hate the world
you aren't helping anyone

stop the pretension
stop hiding behind a swift harmonious dance of rhythm and words.
stop.
be honest with yourself for an 8th of a second.

i couldn't do it
i was flung once again into an ever spiraling pit of despair , of which i promised never to return
my body convulses and sinks further down
and i smile with contentment of relief
i allow myself to submerge
into the waters of peace and harmony .
it's not relief.
its betrayal .
you've given up.
as my arms become numb and fly freely, i grip any sense of dominance i have left and clutch the wall of the pit leading into the gloomy abyss. i'm pulled against my will, losing whatever feeling of apprehension i had. i still want to die. I want to give up and fall deep down but i refuse to succumb to the act even more pathetic than myself. something keeps pushing me
i exert any energy left shriveled in my heart. I pull myself back to reality
These thoughts need to stuff. You are not nearly as irrelevant as you think yourself to be. The incredibly infinitesimal impact you have on this world is impact enough. Accept your incredibly ordinary life. You may be small, but at least you are
I will forever be dissociated
But i am not content with contentment.