Trigger Warning

Location

I am a real piece of work

And that much about me will never change

I’ll change the world with words

The same way you changed me

You made me a worrier

Excuse me

I have too much body and not enough time to show it

But you still have my shoulder

But don’t hold it

I never grew up, I grew in

And you’re not welcome here anymore

You left me polluted

And this black hole in my chest sucks everything into me

Leaving me heavy, too real

And alone

But you already know

You put it there

My eyes sparkled and you loved my

Innocence

Is that why you took it from me?

Rape

I hope I’m pronouncing that correctly

Others have told me its said

“Slut”

“Drunk” or

“Misunderstanding”

Be careful about the stars

Not how far they are but how they leave you breathless

And wanting more

Always more

Wanting is a crime

And when you try to go back and change

They’ll tell you that its too late

It will all be over soon

And would you rather be the big or little spoon

All while your head is spinning

And your knees betray you

And if you say rape

Then you’re the traitor

So you say nothing and wish that your body had done the same

Apparently, my hips whispered sweet nothings

While my eyes said yes

Even as my mouth stumbled over a no

Why was that the only part of me that was so slow to respond?

Surely a “go ahead” from my vagina counts as consent

While my head screams “STOP”

So, I hope I’m saying this right this time so that you don’t have to rely on

Shoddy body language

No

Means stop

I’m not ready to lose that innocence

Or that sparkle in my eye

And no

You cannot just take it again

Its monsoon season and nothing is safe here

“Every storm passes”, but it has been pouring for years

Tell me something sweet to get me by

“Eyes are the windows to the soul, so your soul must be beautiful”

You know nothing of souls and nothing of me

Cut me, I bleed ink

Sometimes I wake up still dreaming

And screaming

I am a worrier

And a warrior

Because the two are not mutually exclusive

Excuse me

But my body is not an apology anymore

It is not small like my past and the things done to me

It is more

I am more than that

I am not a crime or filth to be cleaned

Guilt to be forgiven

So why am I the one apologizing and being prayed for?

I

Am not a victim

But how in the hell could you call me a survivor

While also calling me a liar

I was not asking for it in my torn jeans and hoodie

Those were not words of romance

Entrancing and enticing him into doing the things that

I did not ask

And a society which encourages courage and slut shames

Victim blames

In the same breath is the worst kind of contradiction

Tell me a rape joke

So my body can be belittled and objectified under the guise of humour

And I’m guilty of being a humourless slut for

Objecting

Tell me I was asking for it

When I fought and said no

A thousand times over in my head

Because my voice was dead and unresponsive

Fear chokes the breath out of you better than any fist

And are you getting any of this?

Because I cannot just leave these words to grow stale on this page

I expect nothing short of rage and fire

I long to inspire you to action

These are more than words

More than the half mad scribbling of an enflamed pen

And I cannot just leave them floating

Because I have had

Enough

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