Triggered

Dear you,

Yes you:

The ones who say,

"Lmao so triggered"

What does "triggered" mean to you?

Triggered means to me,

Hunched down in the bathroom

Chest heaving

Laying in a bed with

Streams of tears relentlessly pouring

Hitting me in the middle of class

Sobbing in the halls

Questioning why

Why does she trigger me of him?

That abusive man

Even now, I hesitate in writing

Abusive

Because our culture of victim shaming,

And blaming

Has almost completely convinced me,

And many other members of my family

That a man's faults are a woman's responsibility.

Going back to her

Well she put me through hell in the

5th

6th

7th

8th grades

"You're noodles spell terrible, I made risotto"

"I'm embarrassed to be seen with you"

"Mono-lids are ugly"

"When I call Asians flat faced, I secretly mean they're ugly"

She made me feel like absolute shit about everything me

Especially everything Chinese about me.

9th

She still lashed out with her own insecurities,

About being Chinese,

On me.

i.e. "Chinese people are the ugliest out of Japanese and Koreans"

10th

"I'm buying you razors"

Those little nasty cuts,

I still find them all over my head

She made them,

Mostly when we were alone

Or when we were around other

Asians

That meant nothing on her social ladder.

She made me feel like I was just a stepping stone

The last resort

In her quest for social climbing

Meanwhile, he, my dad,

Was a monster at home?

But the nicest friendliest guy in the world

To everyone outside

Everyone loves him

Everyone loves her

11th

She suddenly became "woke"?

Tick tock, tick tock,

The pressure built up

It

Burst:

9-1-1.

No family at home

No family at school

"Please recount your story"

"You're a terrible daughter"

"You're too sensitive"

"Your dad is a good person"

"Don't go to court"

"Go to court"

"Do you care about this family?"

"DON'T GO"

I was a constant, daily state of confusion

An unholy fusion

Of anger, anguish

Most of all,

Loneliness.

I finally cut myself off from her

I always feared

They would choose her

They would be with her, but not me

"We're not choosing sides"

"Let's not have a group chat without her"

"Then, let's not have a group chat at all"

There were pictures

Of them all together

Smiling, laughing,

While I was crying.

Maybe I was too stubborn,

She tried to apologize online,

But

If I did what she did to me, I'd walk to her house and apologize in person

One time, I did walk to her house

Apologize to her

She said I seemed like a kid who would…

Her words haunts me to this day

Like so many others

I don't forgive her

My forgiveness should be earned,

Never again, should it be given out for free

Like cheap spirits to keep them

Drunk

On their sadistic power,

Over me

I find humans

Who care about me?

I've learned to seek

Those bright slices of sun on the cloudiest days

To feel their good

To bask in their rays

Their warmth

I've learned the phrase "I don't care"

I don't care about their knives

I don't care about their cuts,

Not anymore.

I like my scars

Especially the ones,

From riding 200 miles,

From Seattle to Portland,

Under the blazing sun.

I didn't give up when I fell halfway,

And I am sure, not giving up now.