Dear mentee,

The speed and voice of this poem reminds me of the poems by William Carlos Williams, especially from his collection Spring and All.  

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poem/4671#poem

Note the imagery, the actual tangible ones in relation to the narrator's emotion.  

 If you wanted to revise your poem, you could use WCW's poem as a guide.  For instance, you could follow "Live" with an actual example of living, etc. I hope this helps.   Thanks for sharing your lovely poem.... Scott Bailey