Trying

What can I say.

Pain is one thing, depression is another.

I hide my feelings from my mother,

While I test my father's temper.

They want me to be like them

Strong, happy, and loving.

Yet I can't even love myself,

My sister blames it on them, the men that I date

Stating facts that aren't true, making assumptions that make me cry more then I have to.

Why can't I be me?

Why can't I tell my mother my feelings?

Why can't I smile like my father ?

Or live like my sister?

They tell me to live my life,

They tell me to smile

Yet with a soft voice and gentle as it can be,

They say I have an attitude

They will never hear my cries,

OR see my tears,

I try to stay calm and push my emotions away.

But depression isn't one that can Be hidden with a simple spray

My depression is worse than before

Yet I can't do anything to hold it back anymore

I try to think positive. But the negative  nags at the back of my mind

I try to voice my opinion

Yet with fear lacing my breath,

I let them take over my life.

Mom, dad I wish you will listen,

sister I wish you will know the feeling of sleeping alone knowing that my demons are all I hear.

With pain lancing through my veins

I close my eyes to believe what is right, I've been quiet for so long they think something is wrong,

I talk softly, yet they never hear my screams

I miss my old life

I miss the laughter

I miss the happiness that was within me

Please understand that I'm trying

Please know that I'm smiling

Please know I'm not lying

Please know that my mask is not crying

Please,

Please, listen to me.

I love you mom and dad,

I love you sister

I love my family and that's what I live for.

There's no man in my life

That will hold me at night

There's only dates here and there

Please know that I'm trying to stay here.

I'm trying to be the daughter you want me to be,

I'm trying my best to stand and take the hits they you all give me,

Please

Please know that I'm trying

know that I'm trying my best to smile

I'm trying to be everything you want me to be

But I won't reach that bar that you set for me

I'm not like my siblings, yet your mindset thinks I should be

I'm sorry I frustrated you

I'm sorry I can't be me

I'm sorry for my depression

I'm sorry for my choices

I'm sorry I want to be who I want to be and not listen

I'm sorry I'm different

I'm sorry I disappoint you

I'm sorry

please know that I'm trying