Trying
you say i’m not trying
i got a b minus
on my homework assignment
a question missed
because i got less than six hours
of sleep last night
and you say i’m not trying
but i am trying
i poured my blood sweat and tears
into a bucket
picked up a paintbrush
and painted you
a perfect picture
of whatever you think
is right
make sure you see
whatever you want to see
no matter what goes on
behind the scenes
and you say i’m not trying
but i am trying
i’m trying so hard
to break the bonds
tying me to this
train track of thought
wishing i could stop time
to prevent the impact
as i squeeze my eyes shut
and wish for a happy ending
you say i’m not trying
and when you ask me what I’m doing
i say my best because
i don’t want to disappoint
but the truth is that
the scars that mark my body
will never hurt as much
as the scars that mark my mind
you say i’m not trying
you pass me from hand to hand
like a relay race
rushing me to the finish
but never considering
that i might not want to be there
i want to fall out of your hands
and lie on the ground for a while
look up at the sky
and think about nothing
pretend i don’t have to be anyone
pretend that i like spending
six hours a day
in a stupid concrete building
at your request
pretend it’s a game
so i don’t tear my hair out
and you say i’m not trying
you say i’m not trying
because all you see are my flaws
you nitpick and point out
everything that is wrong with me
you measure and compare
put me on a scale
and proclaim me broken
you toss me into the air
and forget to catch me
forget to tell me what to do
in the air by myself
when i fall
and break my bones
you call me lazy
when you tell me i’m not trying
you never think about the fact
that it might make me want to stop trying
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