tug-o-war

i go on my phone to get distracted 

but all i ever get is attracted

to this image behind my screen

of a life that i want to lead 

that i’m afraid i’ll never reach 

i try to be selfless

but then i end up helpless

and realize i fall nothing short of selfish

it makes me think, no i’m just different

but then i seem arrogant 

but i cant help it

this is what i’m feeling and this is what i’m saying 

my brain is playing tug o war 

but the two sides are in disguise 

i can’t even figure out where the two sides lie

each one changing, flipping, swaying 

this is what i’m feeling, this is what i’m saying

it swirls around in my head 

never leaving me alone

like a child who is afraid of 

what his mom will say when she sees

he hasn’t made his bed 

i wear sunglasses to hide my tears

so i can drown in my fears 

to keep it all to myself 

until i break at the smallest thing i hear 

it’s like my thoughts are labeled

“for your eyes only” but i can never seem to listen

i tell anyone, everyone about all my stupid problems, enough to makes their eyes glisten 

but all i want to do is forget

stop this awful feeling of regret 

but i don’t know what it is

what all this is

my life is good, my house is nice,

i like my friends and my family life

but i cant stop this feeling of my heart being caught on a knife