Two Questions to my Lost Love
Would you come back to me
if I had told you what I’ve done?
because the things I have done since you last saw me
would shock even you
because you think I’m still the same girl
that you fell in love with
that girl who said things about anger
and morals that she wouldn’t change
but now
that anger I have tried to hide for so damn long
awakened like some mythical beast
that used to scare me when I was a small child
because I know that it will be my fists
covered in blood
which put the person who pushed me too far
in a room with blue sheets
and walls so white
its like the color that his skin turns
from needing machines to breathe for him
for far too long
and those morals
that you thought you once knew
have changed so fast
that I don’t even know where they went
I was so afraid of falling back
into the dark corner that I lived in
way back before you ever knew me
Well, I’m running back to it with open arms
drinking night after night
looking for that fight
or looking for that one time fuck
because sleeping besides someone I’m not seeing
is no longer an issue in my mind
Because I got burned
by the one time you went and fucked that girl
in the bed that we made
And I ask
Would you still say you missed me
If I told you what I’d become?
because while you knew me, so long ago
people change over time
but it wasn’t even that long ago since I held you tight
protecting you from the horrors of your mind
by whispering sweet nothings to you in the middle of the night
when your dreams had you screaming in fright
I’m not the same person you knew
I hide behind my camo jackets
my reflective sunglasses
and that backwards ball cap that you loved me in
showing off my dominance and strength to the world
a mask
trying to hide the fact from the world
that I am walking wounded
I’m a ticking time bomb
because you hurt me so much
I’ve lost track of my emotions
like a pirate loses track
of his buried treasure
with no map to guide him back to it
I’ve lost track of these emotions
and I don’t know when they are going to combust
and when they do
I find myself on the dangerous side of a
Chicago freeway overpass
but I have never been able to let go
because
as I watch the cars pass below me
I tell myself I’m
done wasting energy on you
and I tell myself I’m going to bury you
in the marching band field
that my feet grace almost every single day
creating the patterns that I’ve memorized
just like I had memorized the way that your eyes looked at me
when we reunited after being away from each other
But I choose not to remember that anymore
I choose not to feel anything
I choose not to reminisce on anything that we felt
I choose not to remember what we did together
because I am tired of having
that one police officer
who knows my family
try to talk me off the ledge
because it seems to be increasingly harder
for him to pull me back
to the reality of pain
that I live in
because that final flame of emotions and preservation
keeps getting smaller
unlike how much
I cared about you
but you took everything I gave you and threw it aside
so that you could have the instant gratification
of having someone to warm your bed every night
and whisper sweet nothings into your ear
to fight away the ghosts of your fright
and I after we broke up
I realized
I was always a robot
because I could never understand emotions
like I can’t understand quantum physics
or how to solve a rubiks cube with its
42 quintillion something possibilities
because I swear to you
emotions have more possibilities than that
it would be so much easier
if someone wrote an encyclopedia
on emotions
because fewer people would get hurt
by a robot
who’s once human heart
was replaced with a ticking time bomb
because when that time bomb goes off
it is a game of chance
and it is so hard to know
who else might go down with you