The Two Sides of Heartbreak

In an unlucky and broken relationship, there are two sides of heartbreak:

1. The heartbreak of someone leaving you.
2. The heartbreak of having to leave.

In my lifespan, of a short 18 years and 363 days, I have not felt the first side of heartbreak. I’ve only been on the opposite side, the side where I decide to leave. For those who have only been on the first side, the second does not seem like heartbreak. After all, those who feel heartbreak by deciding to leave chose to leave, didn’t they? Technically, yes. But I know for a fact there is heartbreak in making the choice to leave someone.

The heartbreak lies in the silence at the restaurant table, when you and your significant other are on a date, but cannot find anything to talk about. It lies in long car rides, when you realize he does not see the beauty in Joni Mitchell’s The Circle Game even though you swore it was a masterpiece, magically put together. It lies in long paragraphs he sends you every single day, multiple times a day, declaring his love for you using the exact same words he did in the previous message, you don’t even want to read the whole thing (either because it bores you now or you’re not sure you feel the same way). It lies in him telling you his life goals – being married at a young age and starting a family – and you quickly see they’re the opposite of yours. It lies in knowing you two never fought, never argued, had really great laughs together, and shared beautiful moments, but still feeling as if something isn’t right.

The heartbreak of having to leave someone lies in knowing you tried your hardest to make it work. You really wanted to make it work. But sometimes wanting something and needed it do not coincide. You promise you tried to love him, you really did. You read somewhere on Tumblr or Twitter that love is not a feeling, it’s a choice. It’s choosing to be with someone even though the spark died out because you promised you would look into your partner’s eyes every single day until you see stars again. Once you started feeling as if something wasn’t right, you decide to put that theory to the test and stay until the magic comes back.

But months after trying to make it work and trying to feel the love again, you conclude it was not a theory, instead a hypothesis. The heartbreak lies in rejecting that hypothesis, because love is indeed a feeling and if you don’t feel the warmth in your heart when you look at him and when you think about him, then darling, you’re going to be cold. You’ll probably wear his hoodies to try to warm up again, but this time, it’s not the temperature that dropped, it’s your heart. Your heart dropped and it shattered and it’s broken, because you remember a time you looked at him and swore you’d be with him forever. But he does not make you happy anymore. Sometimes it’s that simple.

So you tell him you have to leave. You have to go find the sun and warm up again and find yourself. The real you, the warm you, is out there and you really have to go find her. The heartbreak lies in doing that – trying to make yourself happy, but hurting someone madly and deeply during the process.

So no, I do not know what a broken heart feels like caused by someone leaving you. I am positive it hurts, by the way his voice trembled when I told him the news. But I do know what a broken heart feels like caused by leaving. I hope I never have to leave again.