In search of the truest of me
A soul unpainted, my scars unmasked
I forced myself to sit down
And stare at my reflection as I ask
What do I see?
I see a girl who often gets fixated on the opinions of others
And how they see her
Her mind filled with daily thoughts of
Is my hair too wild?
My nose too wide?
My butt too flat?
Or my stomach too fat?
A girl who never saw herself as someone with insecurity
But why then, did she go for days without a meal?
Running for hours on the treadmill
Starving to be thin
Dying to be accepted
Accepted by a mother whose “nurture” was a suffocating blanket of judgment and spite
I see the girl that once was me
My body tingles as I remember my old friend
Slowly, my fingers trace the ghost scars she left on my wrist
And I exhale in relief
Because I know- she is gone
She rests in a shallow grave buried with self acceptance
And on the very top grows a flower anew,
Radiating with the most vivid of colors, it reflects back the disapproval of others
Careful, its roots only suck moisture from droplets of love
Only absorbing the rays of positive energy
Positive energy fed to a sister starving for the same acceptance
Hoping to free her from the grips of scrutiny that sunk in the venom of bulimia
Positive energy will be the nurture for the seeds planted from here on
Because I am the gardener of my life
And I see the woman that will be
Confronted with my evolution
I ask again to the reflection of myself
What do I see?
I see a girl who is comfortable
For my hair is not too wild
Nor my nose too wide
For my butt is not fattest but certainly not the source of a single shame
No, my stomach is not the flattest but I walk happily in my own frame
I have found the beauty in my flaws, unfiltered
And committed to be