I don't know when or where,

But I found myself uncertain

Wondering what could be if only...

If only I hadn't been there

If I had chosen differently would I be better,

smarter, kinder even.

 

If I could have thought longer,

a little bit further, maybe my life would be different.

I could find success in my failures, perfection in my flaws.

Could I fit the mold in which they envisioned for me,

The long haired, heterosexual,  a model student who occupied her time with studying,

the valedictorian 

 

Or could I rebel,

Becoming the short haired, queer girl, with mediocre grades,

and a pension for bad poetry,

poorly drawn doodles, and a distate for routine,

Moving to a college that adored obedience 

 

Discovering the suffocating nature of religion and the overpowering feeling of regret,

retreating further into myself,

masking my identity with further responsibility,

busy enough to ignore the me thats aching to break free,

If only I allowed her to break free sooner, I would find the support I so desire.

 

Or maybe not,

But is that not the very definition of the feeling.

Not knowing life's path,

A very feeling somehow worse than fear itself.