Uncle Charlie's Funeral

Uncle Charlie's Funeral.. I'm from one of those families hardly ever call or text, and see nothing of each other from one year to the next, But there still arise occasions that are truly set in stone, where contact can't be made by text, nor calling on the phone, Where a family get together is like nothing else on earth is with every death or marriage, every christening or birth, Where a gathering of the clan takes place, all beneath one roof, and every time we do's like some messed up Spike Milligan spoof, Take for instance Uncle Charlie's passing, it far outweighed the best, he was truly in the best place, in the casket, laid to rest, Even at the wake upon the casket the plates and the glasses were spread, and I swear I heard our Charlie sigh, "Well thank the Lord I'm dead" And next morning at the church the grieving widow staggered in, 'purely medicinal' she did insist, the hip flask filled with Gin, And we all thought Charlie's mistress Jackie, and their sordid long romance, would have had the decency to stay away, you joking? Not a chance, Well Aunt Sheila, Charlie's widow,cast her just one dirty look, that said,"if I were you my girl, I wouldn't push my luck, Or if you really can't bare to tell him goodbye, and in that case best you be sure, cause that coffin's looking spacious, sure there's room for just one more" They were barely two days married when she found them both in bed, and once more I heard poor Charlie cry, "Well thank the Lord I'm dead" Well the service it went well from there is no one showed any guilt, and it was quite a miracle in the church no blood was spilled, But it may have been optimism as we headed for the bar, couldn't help but notice all the wheels had gone from Jackie's car, And a look of satisfaction there upon Aunt Sheila's face, "That'll teach the b*tch to turn up wearing leather, silk and lace, Well the hours flew by in the boozer, to the wheels nobody did cough, then bang on cue, at ten past two, World War III went off, It started with Sheila and Jackie, it had everyone's head in a spin, they'd been watching them at it for years they were bored, it was time they all got to join in, And that's just what my family they did there that day, t'was enough to rattle your head, and once more that day, I heard our Charlie say, "Well thank the Lord I'm dead" So our Charlie he got a great send off, half my family were sent off that day, From a cell to the dock, through a gate they did lock, with 6 months for the charge of affray, So our Charlie he's just where he wanted to be, so record every word that I said, though it may sound absurd, swear I heard every word Charlie spoke, "Thank the Lord that I'm dead"