Undecided

How do I love someone
when they're so far away?
When the clear blue skies make me crave something better

When the thought of this relationship makes me oh, so bitter

Troubles like a squirrel crossing the street

and the way the wind messes up my hair makes my mind collapse into a black hole.

The thought of forever causes a cringe down my spine

All the while being hopelessly in love with the thought of a family.

The endless reminder of happy couples having something that I long for

just out of reach, stretched arm --

as far as I can into the unknown.

The awareness of the constant obstacles, ridiculous conversations.

The ball that my mind is crushed into just by the thought of saying "it's over"

but my hands let go of the fist that seemed to be concrete prior

while they have turned white from flexing so hard

and the blood not getting to most of my body and it slowly gets it's pigment back

while my heart goes from a high speed car in a police chase

to a simple car gently pulling into the driveway so wonderfully, so calmly. Home.

And the escape acts like an antibiotic, releasing from the pain,

making me free. My stomach yells but I've lost my appetite

from the repulsing idea of being with someone other than him

I long for the companionship of a lover and the rush I get from waking up next to him.

and I will forever be undecided of what my body craves for
all.
my.
life.