UNDER COVER

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I feel the shadow of fear creeping down the dark hall        
slipping noticed into the room - my eyes squinched tight        
 
But i know that shadow even with my eyes closed don't I        
It's bad intentions made known with the smell of beer        
in my nostrils.        
       
oh god oh god oh god        
       
       
holding still under covers 
praying to a god that's nowhere around        
don get me don get me        
my fear sucks all sound from the room        
 
but not for long.          
       
         
I see the shadows of my sisters dancing in the dark.        
The blue of the night light adds calming colors        
making shadow creatures out of the dancers frenzied movements        
yet doing nothing to mask the whimpered sound 
of dying innocence 
  
       
ha ha charade you are        
       
I lay frozen with fear and self hatred        
I mean why couldn't I just sneak up and  beat my father        
to death with my baton underneath the bed?        
why couldn't I? 
 
Because he's stronger than god!!        
       
       
I'm no savior, just a little girl with the world        
and my sister's innocence on my shoulders        
I disgust myself lying frozen         
while the abuse goes on and on  
 
till a minute seems like hours      
 
I clap my hands over my ears  
pretending that this is not my life        
no no no this can't be my life        
       
ha ha charade you are        
       
waiting until the shadow slips down the hall        
back to hell and my mother    
who's earned the title of Mama the blind    
 
and not for nothing either        
 
I disappear into the nothing I've become        
and will spend my entire life perfecting        
wearing my mask of a happy girl 
 
ha ha Charade you are 
This poem is about: 
Me
My family

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