Unheard

I don’t speak, I feel

I don’t scream, I feel

I don’t whisper, I feel

I stutter, but I still feel--

This suffocating weight with its hand around my throat

When did my tongue become too heavy to form words?

I’m inflated, there’s breath in my lungs

I’m flooded, there’s tears in my eyes

And I do not say a word, but I feel.

The nightmares churn in my stomach until the acid is in my veins

I feel.

The loudest monsters form from the softest sounds

I feel.

I can’t even be excited without shutting down

My brain keeps the silence even with no frown

When I’m scared, there’s no sound

And when all is said and done the words “I’m sorry” are never enough

I feel.

I feel that my demons aren’t worth your time

I feel that I’m more of a worry than needed just because I cannot climb

I feel that it is not normal to be silent but silence is my normal

Who knew that the lack of speech can sound so hurtful?

I wish I can be brave and not so overwhelmed

But when you yell it’s all I can hear

And when the words are unspoken it’s all I can feel

And it’s a never-ending loop

Of silence.

I’m sorry I think just a little too much

I’m sorry that I can’t understand your grand plan

But when I cannot speak but you can

And tears are falling down my face but you cry in my place

It’s the only salvation because where you speak I cannot but when I cry

You cannot.

So even when it’s all hopeless to say my vocabulary

That my silence is something that I find scary

I will try to fight the mentality and destroy your monstrosity

Even if that means that all I can make are unfinished words

And half-present groans.

And when I’m blessed with speech again

I feel.