unrequited love
i think you were the first person i ever really loved like that.
and i think that by loving you
i became better because i learned how to love sharp edges
and blows to the head and blows to the heart. i learned to love
someone who didn’t love me back and i know,
i know that made me better. and you might have destroyed me
but i also helped destroy me too because i allowed you to destroy me.
i let you cut me open and rip out all of me and make me wish
i could never love again. i almost don’t want to love again.
but you also made me better because now i know
what pure emptiness and pure heartache feels like.
i know when to let go. i know when to walk away.
i thought you once deserved the world
but you don’t. you don’t deserve anything good
you deserve all the bad.
this isn't even about you. it’s about me.
i never knew how to love quietly until i loved you.
i only knew how to love loud
with screams and i love you’s and i’ll never leave you’s
and what would i do without you’s and sleepless nights.
but i loved you quietly. with empty breaths.
and empty lungs. and wet eyes. with no i love you’s.
with no i miss you’s. with no i love you too’s.
i loved you quietly but painfully.
and you didn't love me at all.
i love you and i love you, i love you i love you i love you.
loved. i loved you. i don’t love you anymore.
i don’t love you and my head hurts and my words mean nothing
because i couldn’t love you into loving me even though i know.
i know. i know. i know i could’ve. i know i could’ve.
and that hurts because i couldn’t love you enough.
i know i could’ve loved you enough. i know i would’ve.
i know i could have if you would have let me.
it’s a would have could have i shoild have thing.
i should’ve done a lot.
but you wouldn’t let me.
and that’s not my fault.