unrequited love

i think you were the first person i ever really loved like that.

and i think that by loving you

i became better because i learned how to love sharp edges

and blows to the head and blows to the heart. i learned to love

someone who didn’t love me back and i know,

i know that made me better. and you might have destroyed me

but i also helped destroy me too because i allowed you to destroy me.

i let you cut me open and rip out all of me and make me wish

i could never love again. i almost don’t want to love again.

but you also made me better because now i know

what pure emptiness and pure heartache feels like.

i know when to let go. i know when to walk away.

i thought you once deserved the world

but you don’t. you don’t deserve anything good

you deserve all the bad.

this isn't even about you. it’s about me.

                         i never knew how to love quietly until i loved you.

                         i only knew how to love loud

                         with screams and i love you’s and i’ll never leave you’s 

                         and what would i do without you’s and sleepless nights.

                         but i loved you quietly. with empty breaths.

                         and empty lungs. and wet eyes. with no i love you’s.

                         with no i miss you’s. with no i love you too’s.

                         i loved you quietly but painfully. 

                         and you didn't love me at all.

            i love you and i love you, i love you i love you i love you.

            loved. i loved you. i don’t love you anymore. 

i don’t love you and my head hurts and my words mean nothing

because i couldn’t love you into loving me even though i know.

i know. i know. i know i could’ve. i know i could’ve.

and that hurts because i couldn’t love you enough.

i know i could’ve loved you enough. i know i would’ve.

i know i could have if you would have let me. 

it’s a would have could have i shoild have thing. 

i should’ve done a lot.

but you wouldn’t let me.

and that’s not my fault.