of unsound mind

when an open mind becomes a burden and an opportunity becomes an obstacle , a person becomes less a human and more empty . I am less than what I used to be . I was never everything , I was never something . but I was enough . just enough to know how it feels to be alive . Not physically. Alive in a way that makes the most dead inside seem as if life was always their only option . breathing was never a chore and getting up every morning in the same body was never the reason my lungs were swollen with the blackest of smoke and flooded with the airs that flowed from the mouths of those who told the most extravagant lies. Lies... those from the mouths of the weak . weak minded . with the fear of another judgement, tucked away in the mind of a criminal , pretending to care , to love , to know....you spit out the hissing of ten snakes in one sentence and within minutes you have broken at least one heart . you have ruined at least one life and you live with no consequences , you are given no punishments , and yet you still have no regret . am I weak ? for years I have survived by the same lie and for the same amount of time , I have suffered with the regrets not of the lies but of those that I do not regret . laying my head to a pillow each night and asking a god why I have to be the villain , why my heart had to blackened . no longer driven by the success of myself but pushed upward by the downfall of others . I lie to those who sit outside my locked door and to those who kiss the feet that i trample them with . I am not phased by the compliments that express my ups nor the speeches that sprinkle dirt upon my name . it's just a name . any insult is a just another needle piercing brick and every compliment and serenade is nothing more than another excuse to pull the nuse a little tighter . with the mind of a maniac and the thoughts of one that lost more than just a healthy mind. my irresponsibility is the product of my inability to move on . What was once a small obstacle became what I am . being whole is no longer my goal , mopping up my sanity from the dirt below my feet has become a job that consumes me . never looking for example , a way that I make on my own is what moves me . without a body to keep and an answer for the lingering questions I have for my own god answered , I will always be nothing . my issues will consume me until eventually the pieces of me that I did not destroy physically and mentally will dissolve away and the symptoms of my insanity will haunt the heart of another and the circle of life or lack thereof will continue . lies will never consume my brain the way that they have consumed my very outlook on pure dialect . a frivolous story lacks a reason , but the rabid , revengeful pictures I paint with the sonnets that pour like waterfalls from the very lips that I kiss you with proving a love I can only speak of , but never possess . keep me safe through the night precious angels , not only a protection from my victims but from myself. the dangers of the actions I have brought amongst the innocent have left my brain a mess wrecked with the shattered pieces of every heart I have ever dropped and every soul I have ever consumed in the midst of my own thirst for a taste of victory . the interior walls of my skull resemble the padded walls of a mental asylum and my mind lies rocking back and forth , back and forth , restrained by the shackles of a straight jacket but still burns with the need to destroy once more . I have felt the weight of the revenge against my own back and the wrenching and welling of tears after the hurricane of karma hit and I still didn't learn my own lesson . my resentment only devoured my last wills to become better . if only the acts of sabotage were the qualifications that acquire resilience and brilliance . under purgatory is where my soul will lie along with the many I retrieved in the place of my own .