Until The Next Time...

My heart rate picks up, my scalp starts to tingle;

the flutter in my chest pulls all my attention.

My stomach turns, and I know it’s too late;

I don’t have the power to stop it.

The physical heralds the coming of the torment;

my brain opens up like red barn doors on a bright sunny day.

But next comes the torrent, the thunderstorm of thought;

like super-bowl contenders, adrenaline fueled, shooting from the tunnel.

Everything stops except the muscle in my head.

Around and around getting tighter and tighter,

like a million rubber bands expanding, snapping, shrinking;

like a million zip ties pulled, growing stronger and finally unyielding.

“Relax… don’t worry.  Don’t think so much.

It’s not your fault, it’s mine.  I should have helped sooner.

Have some perspective, everything will be fine.

What’s the worst that could happen?”

Small has become big; unimportant has become important.

What started as insignificant is now threatening,

and I can’t stop the train roaring down the tracks

a physical thing heading towards total destruction.

I see the way out.  I know what I have to do.

There’s no room for shame; invite people into your world.

Once they enter they can never go back – there’s no return.

They are now a party to your complete insecurity.

Enough!  What do I do?  What do I do?

Just make the call, explain yourself, apologize.

Seek forgiveness and get absolution.

Finally - safe again, until the next time.