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I don’t talk about it

I don’t talk about that time when

I was somewhere I wasn’t suppose to be

And drinking something I probably shouldn’t have been drinking

But I was alone

And I was hurting

And I wanted to feel wanted

And I wanted to feel the warmth of someone else’s skin

Or at least that’s what I thought

until he pulled me in

and I realized I was good with a hug but I didn’t want a kiss

and I was ready for bed and I just wanted to sleep

next to you was enough

but in me is what he wanted

and when I set up boundaries

he agreed but didn’t really agree

and when I said I didn’t want to

he smiled a half smile but bent me over

and when I said nothing

he pushed harder

and harder

and harder

until he reached his own satisfaction

I don’t usually talk about it

And by talk about it I mean talk about it this way

I spent enough hours in the shower scrubbing away the dirty parts of me

My skin went raw

I spent enough hours in the shower repeating over and over

That I wanted it

That I liked him

And that he liked me

So that’s’ what I let people think

When they heard

But I never told because

I still didn’t like to talk about it

Because beneath the raw skin

I knew I didn’t want it

And even though I was somewhere I shouldn’t have been

Drinking things I shouldn’t have been drinking

I didn’t want it

And he knew it

But he did it

And he took it

But I was ashamed because I let it happen and I let him in and I didn’t stop it

And I should have screamed or hit or kicked

But I didn’t

So did I want it?

I spent enough missed class period trying to

Convince myself that they were right

I drank too much and let him in

That he got lucky and scored some

Because being a nice piece of ass and maybe a little slutty

Was better than living with truth

Because receiving failing grades was easier than living with the truth

And telling my parents that my bipolar just got bad

And I wasn’t ready to be away from home was much better

Because I don’t really like to talk about it

Because I don’t really like to confront it

Because being easy is easier

Because being ill-prepared is better

Because the truth hurts

And the truth sucks

And I still don’t love the same