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I’d just like to apologize for not being happy 

Scratch that 

I misspoke 

You see 

A lot of people in this room aren’t happy 

I might even say most 

What I meant to say is 

I’m sorry I can’t fake it 

I’m sorry I can’t twist my appearance

Into something more appealing for you 

It won’t churn

And I can’t make it 

I’m sorry I’m not a better liar 

I’m sorry I can’t con you into believing that my problems

Are all gone

And my life’s not on fire 

Friends say
It’s okay to not be okay

But seldom mean it

What they really meant to say is

It’s okay to not be okay

As long as they don’t have to see it 

In broken

I’m messy 

We’re all dying

And I’m dead awful at honestly lying 

I know I’ve been permanently purchased 

Why do I feel pardoned partially 

Partly free 

And pardon me 

If I struggle with anxiety 

There’s not some huge difference between you and me 

We all have struggles that we minimize 

Brokenness we try to hide 

The big divide 

Is that I can’t seem to hide mine 

Not for lack of trying 

That’s why when you meet me

You meet me candid 

I don’t have cracks in my facade

I've got canyons 

Anxiety is something I try to hide 

But here’s anxiety from my side

I’m in a war 

A war that fills me with lies 

A war in my mind 

Feels like I’m dying inside 

Fear rips me open 

I’m just hoping 

That you don’t realize 

That I’m paralyzed 

So I’m standing their dying 

And just an aside 

None of this makes me a coward 

Or a victim 

I’m living on this earth 

And so this struggle’s a symptom 

Pause 

I’ve been talking a lot about myself 

But if I’m been preaching Ecclesiastes 

Then we’ve reached chapter twelve 

Jesus saved me 

Satan’s trying to take me back 

Trying to kill me 

Assault my soul 

That’s what I call a

Heart attack 

Satan’s trying to deceive me 

But I know that my God is greater 

If Satan’s lies are a heart stack 

I’m glad my God’s got

De-fib-rillators

Redemption

Resuscitation 

Reconciliation 

Just happen to be actions that my God’s good a taking 

Just happen to be miracles

That my God’s good at making 

Satan’s lies, the kind of chains that my God’s good at breaking 

Just because I’m in a storm doesn’t make my hopeless 

I just need to remember where my hope is 

The problem with that truth is that it’s cliché

And when we say

“God is my hope” 

That rarely leave room for pain 

I hurt 

In fact I’m a train wreck 

But last time I checked 

That didn’t mean my God left 

Here’s what I’m saying 

I’m seeing God reclaim 

Parts of my brain 

That I once saw lies invade 

A battle I once thought was in vain 

But I’m still in the process 

So please excuse my pain 

Or better yet 

Be okay with showing the same