The waking disaster

It's ironic how I play the perfect damsel in distress. How I unironically I tend to keep needing help from myself but remain helpless. Somehow finding home between rocks and hard places, how I keep finding myself needing rescuing. It's as if there's a part of me that finds pleasure in not knowing how to get myself out of sticky situations. I somehow find myself unconsciously playing a game of keep them interested and consciously not understanding how they feel the need to always be there for me. To save me from myself because to men, that soothes some part of their unhealed trauma, to have a 'precious' that they have to preserve, while I, the ring still think of myself as Fraudo but keep enchanting them, with my spell and they always fall for it. And deep down I know why, it has become a sick game i play on myself and watch myself unravel in confusion trying to understand myself and why I do it. I think it's the process of picking myself apart that keeps me in the loop. And they keep pick pocketing parts of my personality and overseeing the wickedness it presents, because to them it can't be me, I'm their precious, even though I am more harm than good. They can't let me go or fathom the thought of me being their demise. I still haven't understood myself fully, I'm still stuck on unveiling who I despise the most, myself or them. I know my unconscious bias is working against me, A sliver of favor means room to exploit. So I fake nice, even in the most uncomfortable of experiences with them I can always smile and pretend that it is alright, validate them to make it seem like it is okay, almost welcome, even. Then to both our surprise my body recoils but my face remains pretty, the other edge of the "kill them with kindness" sword that i seem to have mastered but upon close inspection only ever seems to kill myself. I am spiting vemon in secret. My subconscious is Veldomort, a shadow that hides in weakness and is ready to prey on any men that dares to show me favour, because being casket pretty gets exhausting and ghosts also want to play before sunrise.