Here I find myself

with my head in my hands

and a rush of sadness that hurts me like a title wave

not like anyone understands

I spend most of my nights with my head in my hands

and tears staining my rosy cheeks

I spend most of my nights listening to the sound of my air conditioner

and my muffled screams & cries that bury deep into my pillow

Here I find myself with your name pounding into my skull
I let my mind wander

Wander into dark places in my head that I didn’t where even there

I waste my nights thinking of everything you said and everything I didn’t

I pull at my hair because it weighs as much as the world growing on my shoulders

it is a war that I keep losing

a war that I can't find the answer to

a war that takes over my mind and eats away like a wildcat gnawing at its prey

It hurts to think that nothing will get better

the war becomes constant

and my hands are still in my hair

tangled on the strands of black and blonde

tempted to yank and yank and yank

It feels like someone is playing a constant prank

filtering your name through every single breath that I breathe

Like walking on pins and needles

It feels like I am at war

a war that I’ve already lost

A war that I swore that I would never let wash ashore.