All the signs are there.
The signs that this isn’t it.
Pay attention to when he asks for the passwords to your social media accounts.
He’ll use it to download your entire Facebook data.
He’ll get a detailed history of all your activity.
He’ll get all the status updates,
all the posts,
all the messages,
all the photos,
all the videos,
from the minute you opened your account.
Pay attention to when he asks you
"what’s the biggest thing you’ve ever killed?" during a game of 21 Questions.
You’re left speechless because it’s such an odd question,
“either a cockroach or a rat in a trap”
and he shares that back in Jhelum, Pakistan,
he used to kill chickens
with his own hands
Pay attention when you can’t tell if he’s joking about killing chickens,
how he says,
it’s so easy to snap a neck,
how with a simple twist,
Pay attention to when he shares the story of how he cracked open another boy’s skull,
against a school locker,
during his Sophomore year
before you had even met him.
Pay attention to when he tells you
how he got his nickname,
how he’d gotten into a fight
with a kid in middle school,
where he’d knocked the boy
on the floor
and stepped on his face,
how he shares that all the kid could do was look up
“Why is the sky blue?”
Pay attention to how jealous he gets when a male classmate simply talks to you,
how angry he gets when another male just says “Hi!” to you.
not a single one of your guy friends can say hi to you anymore.
Pay attention when you start to feel the the “hell” in his “hello.”
You don’t need any more signs now.
Leave him when he knocks out your male friend,
in the hallway and nearly gives him a concussion just for talking to you.
Swear to yourself that you’ll leave.
But he won’t leave you alone.
He continues to tell you that he loves you.
He keeps talking to you even if you don’t utter a word back.
“I didn’t mean it. That’s not the real me. I don’t know what came over me,”
he’ll apologize to you,
over the phone,
He promises that he just lost his anger for the moment.
One moment he calls you a slut,
even a prostitute.
The next moment he’s apologizing.
He says that it won’t happen again.
He says he’s changed.
He says he’ll make it up to you.
Over and over,
“I didn’t mean it. That’s not the real me. I don’t know what came over me.”
One day he will stomp on your foot
You will feel a soul-crushing,
unable to even take a step away.
When you do take a step,
it will feel like you are stepping
on chards of glass.
Another day he will spit a Snickers bar onto your face,
leaving you horrified,
wiping away a mixture of tears,
globs of chocolate,
from your eyes,
Then one day,
wrap around your throat,
like a tightened noose.
He begins to apply pressure,
choking the air out of you,
leaving you gasping for dear life,
only letting his grip loosen when he sees you start to become unresponsive.
You still don’t go to the police.
The arguments are getting more and more out of control.
He ends up elbowing you in the face.
Your breath is shortening,
and then watering.
You touch your face with your palm,
realizing he has left your bottom lip
with a gaping, bloody wound.
You were the one who chose him.
You fought with your own family to be with him,
you went against their wishes.
Now, what will they say?
If you call the police,
it means he’s going to have to face the consequences.
What will happen to him?
You don’t want him to get into serious trouble for a momentary loss of his temper.
He’s not always like this.
You’re not trying to ruin his life.
But you know that this,
isn't a healthy relationship.
This isn’t love.