Watch Her Fly

The atmosphere felt tighter with him. The air, easier to breathe in The words, easier to swallow The pain, easier to control All because he made me feel Close. I told myself I never loved anyone else like I loved him. He was nicer than everyone I had ever been with. He was an improvement. The best I might ever have. I told myself because he loved me, I was lucky. Chasing after him was my ideal type of exercise. I was accustomed to being out of breath. I told myself that one-night stands with him, was his version of making love. A person cannot be raped by someone who swears to love them. I told myself that when he pushed me, it could have been much worse. Instead, I was fortunate to have a guy so hands-on. I told myself if I leave, he would kill himself. He was the only victim. I would be the killer. I told myself it was easier to just stay. Looking back on all the words I told myself, I remember him coercing my repetition. He made me memorize his song of despair and replace his name with savior. He forced me to listen until I absentmindedly sang along. He knew the air we shared was too heavy. He only permitted my inhale after his exhale. Humans cannot survive on carbon dioxide for long. I finally decided that breathing was more important than physical proximity. I need someone to respect my boundaries. To understand that “I don’t feel like it” Does not mean “convince me.” I need someone who is honest. Someone who trusts not just my words but also, my intentions. Someone who realizes that my forgiveness is not my permission to do it again. I need someone who will say “I love you” every day. Because they love me. No more implied exchanges, No more apologize-afterward cussing, No more guilt for using my own tongue to speak, No more using “I love you” to prevent me from leaving. I need someone who will tell me “Because I love you I don’t want to leave but because I love you, I will not force you to stay.” I need someone who will tell me “Because I love you I want you to flourish. Even if that means You are growing towards An alternate sun.” I need someone who will tell me “Because I love you I want to hold you In my grasp forever. But because I love you, I will never Hold you down.” “Because I love you, I will also love watching you fly.”