Waterworks

Water works ~ Kaylene Cavasos

when I was a kid

I took ladybugs

and locked them away in a cage

with no aphids, no water

no fresh air to breathe

and, naively, cried when they died.

I went through an ocean of pointless emotion

I cried when the tears felt to shed

leaving with a smile

like nothing ever happened

until the storm came, slowly strolling through again

the yelling- the fighting-

all very futile

the smaller kids playing, games to distract them

and I sat in my room

staring at books

full of words

reading blank pages

“I should be crying” I thought through the silence

but I wasn’t, and couldn’t force a drop out

the boy, oh the boy

who would make me feel better

who hurt me with his love

his poisonous touch

when I could've said no

yet I loved him

and further on I went in his abyss

him pressing my keys with no harmony

and it unintentionally hurt when I thought

"I should be crying"

but the water was shut behind rusted, old doors

and I couldn't force a drop out

my grades dropping like a student's major

you don't even care of your future

they'd say

and I'd sink in the cold teeth

of my sharpest of friends

and watch the marks on my arm

form pretty red beads

numbing the pain

better than any anesthetic could

and I stayed in my glorious, ignorant bliss

"I should be crying", I whispered to the void

and laughed through the pain at how grown up I was

when I was a Kid,

crying was normal;

every frustration, anger or pain

and I loved understanding the world as a place

and not as people, consumed by money

Now I understand crying;

an act of lack of control

and stopping it was my body telling me

that I had to grow up

for my siblings; I need to be strong-

for my friends; I need to be happy-

for myself; I need to thrive my own way-

and crying makes me weak;

it makes me sad;

it makes me lose my own battles;

and my body shut the doors to the water works

and told me "grow up"

and left me tearless in this beautiful planet with terrible people

~

And me?

I said "okay"

: )