The way

It's complicated
What happened
The way I feel
The circumstance
The hospital stays
Us
It's a mess
What did you think about in your last second?
Did you think about happiness?
Your memories?
Family?
Love?
Friends?
What could have been?
Me?
You see you've already been gone for 36 hours and it's not getting easier
When I found out I cried until I couldn't breathe
Until there were no tears left
Until my heart felt like it was going to stop beating
Until I felt like all the sadness in the world was weighing down on me
And I'll miss it
Your smile
The way your eyes crinkle when the suns was too bright
The way your hands felt against mine
The way you laugh at my jokes even when they aren't funny
The way you listen to me complain about everything
The way you're able to calm me down when I'm feeling anxious
The way your eyes light up when we are together
When we WERE together
And I've tried hiding from it
But the sadness keeps hunting me down
I've tried running from it
But the fear is faster than me
Dreams are my only chance of getting away and I haven't been having many recently
And my therapist keeps calling yelling at me for quitting
But you know she thinks I'm dumb for being like this
With these conflicting emotions
But it's more than this 45 minute session can possibly understand
Because sadness has come knocking on my door with his heavy hands too many times
But nobody understands
I get lost in my mind
Wandering around trying to find happiness
Hoping to find a way to accept what happened
But there really is no way to
Because it's complicated