We Are Learning

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

Asked with a stupid grin, a double chin

your green eyes on mine.

Because,

I wish I said,

I love you.

It took forever, you know.

To get together.

To admit feelings.

To kiss.

I remember my head on your chest,

your heart beating so wildly I wondered,

"Is he nervous?"

"Could this be something real?"

First kisses are weird.

Everyone is a bad kisser.

That is,

until you learn how to kiss your partner.

But it took hours. 

Maybe only one.

But your roommate fell asleep and you knew I was waiting for you.

Your motion was quick, sloppy,

but perfect.

And it only got better.

I wondered why it took so long.

Why we couldn't just talk already.

Wondered why I only saw you weekly,

But I knew that answer.

If I'm not busy, I'm not happy.

Occupying myself constantly with things piling on to my to do list.

And you're the same.

But making time.

Even the smallest meeting.

Quick lunch.

A single, well needed hug.

That's love.

Communication.

Isn't that the most important part of a relationship?

But what does it mean to take so much time to do it?

And what is time if it's wasted on waiting?

I'm not patient, but patience is crucial,

patience is love.

You're patient.

Especially with me.

But when does patience turn into waiting,

where waiting isn't coming with its expected solution,

and the waiting isn't resolved,

and action is only taken in a one-sided call to action.

Is this love?

When would we meet halfway?

I questioned myself.

I doubted my confidence,

focused on my insecurities.

"I'm just being difficult."

"Needy."

"High maintenance."

"The Worst."

I thought my problems to be

insignificant.

Love isn't feeling bad about yourself.

Love is not doubting the relevance of your problems.

Love is being the best you can be,

with the person you love.

Love is overcoming your insecurities.

Love is problem solving.

Love is fearless.

I didn't know this then.

When you told me you didn't deserve me,

we cried.

We didn't talk,

face to face,

for a week.

I don’t remember why we fought

and cried.

Or why I left your apartment so late.

My to do list was still miles long, but

I finished everything on it.

I thought of how the first time I wanted to tell you,

I love you.

I should have said it then.

I wish I said it then.

The moment never mattered, though.

As long as I told you,

And I did.

There shouldn't be fear in our relationship.

When we finally talked in person,

you said it to me first,

for the first time.

And you held me so tightly.

And I understood.

Because you love me,

we learned to grow.

Because I love you,

we learned to be fearless.