Welcome to my Mind

I'm fine. You're not. You're fine. I'm not. Push it away. I don't want to think about it. It's not me. It is you. Why are you even writing this? It's embarrassing. You're embarrassing. I'm trying. I'm really trying. Trying to what? Be normal? Fit in? Be liked and respected? I already am all of those things. I think. You're not. They do judge you. All of the time. You're not good enough. You can't do this. You don't even know who you are. Not really. You are who you think everyone else wants you you to be. And you're failing. I'm not! I've gotten this far in one piece. I can just keep pushing through and I'll be fine. But you're not in one piece. You're mind is cracked in a thousand places and you wonder why you don't know how you'll feel from one day to the next? I'm broken. Can it be fixed? Yes. No. Maybe.. Do I have the energy to try? What if the cracks shatter? I'll loose everything. Everyone will know I'm a failure. I'll be laughed at and dismissed as a joke. They're probably already laughing at you if they're still reading this crap. Just get over it. Why is this so hard? There are others so much worse off than you. You shouldn't be complaining. You should be ashamed. I am ashamed. I don't want this, it's not my fault. That's not an excuse. Fix it. I cant. I want to fix it. You cant. I'll try anyway. Good luck. You'll need it. I'm tired. Where is the off switch? The mute button? Anything... I'm so angry. I just want to get through my day. I'll smile. But I'm numb inside. Why are you trying? No one cares, no one knows how much effort this takes. Keep smiling. Push the anger and frustration into that lovely little (enormous) void you nurture. Look happy. Look in control. Feel nothing. Feel numb. You can deal with the fallout later. But I'm ok today. I feel good. I feel embarrassed. You're over reacting. You're being dramatic. You can help yourself. I'm not always sure I can help myself. I know I can do better. I'm good enough. I know this. But.... But what? Then change it. I cant. You can. You cant. I can...