What Am I?

Why is it so hard for me to let go?  How can I close the missing distance between us if you wish for no more?  The chains you forged in love and lost is now the pain holding me at all costs.  How can I break free when freedoms meaning is you beside me.  How can I give you my love in a gun if you never wish to fire?  When you hurt me why do I see your misusused abuse and look at you and admire.  Your skin makes me cry and your touch makes me ache.  If you really love me you’ll save both of us from this darkness, for both our sakes.  I want to give even when nothing is given back.  I have seen your old soul and the face behind your mask.  You’ve revealed to me the ingredients for your love but won’t trust my actions.   Give me a chance, give me a chance.  This is the only thing that I am asking.  Give me a chance, Give me a chance.  This is the only thing that I am asking.  Thinking of you when you’re not around, knowing you are not thinking back makes me want to grab our love and shred and hack.  But how can I hack away at my own heart?  How can I hold our love and rip it in parts?  Was this your intention from the start?  To chain and cage and leave me to my own demise, drowning in your shadow, waking in your hollowed tries.  My and mine, I never want you to be alone.  Please don’t make me walk this road when you are gone.  How can I sing or dance when at the tip of my lips your sweet kiss is my only song?  How can I feel another’s touch when my heart is wearing your dried up husk?  Please believe that you are my first and my precious curse, to feel a second or third would make strip me bare and cause my heart to burst.  To watch you dance in his line of sight, always tortured by the fact that you were almost mine, hiding in your shine hurting by the truth that without me you are better off than fine.  Did I miss all the signs?  Did I drown to deep in a well known defeat that you knew from the moment we met?  That the game we played in life was already decided and set, that I was wrong in placing my bets in something that only existed in my head.  I often question am I alive or dead.  If I could have been the instead that you came home to in our bed.  Do you understand the way it is to love somebody the way I love you?  I know you do because I’ve seen it even before I had you.  I know what could have been, or should have been but never will.  How can I move if you were the motion that never kept me still, you have my weakness engraved and saved in your most private enclave holding me hostage leaving me waiting for the kill?   Please end my misery, define the mystery between us and join me or let me be.  As long as you are just barely in my sights I can never see.  So become my sight and end my life.  The nights are quiet now, because I am waiting for the time to be right.  Just know I would always fight for you with all my might just to see you rise in flight, as our love once did that fateful day when I stared into your eyes.