What Could Have Been

As I lay down in bed

I think about what I could have done differently

I think about what my life could have been

What if my dad had never left?

What if my sister would have never been born?

What if my mother was rich?

What if my big brother hadn’t existed?

What would have been of my life?

Would I be a spoiled brat if my dad was still here, or if my mom was rich?

Would I be lonely and severely depressed if my sister hadn’t been born?

Would I have all the material goods I possess without my big brother’s help?

The answer to these questions is: “I don’t know.”

It’s not the kind of “I don’t know” that is used when you don’t know the answer to the question

It’s the kind of “I don’t know” answer that’s used when you don’t want to think about what the what-could’ve and the what-should’ve been

The kind of answer that is used to avoid any further thoughts

But this answer doesn’t stop me from thinking about the real answers to these questions

The life I could have had but never did

Maybe even the life I wish I had lived

But it is not up to me to decide my fate

As destiny and God have already decided this for me