What Could Have Been

Dear Almost,

I was about to forget you,

but you said it so strongly:

“Stay,”

you said.

“I love you,”

you said.

You ripped my soul in two.

How can you know

how much I wanted you?

How could I bear the pain

of not being with you?

So I decided to say goodbye…

We almost had everything.

“Two years,”

I told myself.

It is too long for me.

I cannot wait for you.

There is no way.

Be realistic.

“Two years,”

You said to me.

“It is not too long for me.

I can wait for you.

We will find a way;

Have faith.”

But I must live a long time

without feeling your warmth.

Empty promises are not enough;

I need more than the spider-silk words

that the wind carries away

before they can ensnare me

and tie me to you...

I know that the pain will consume me.

I am like stone:

Although I may seem strong,

hard,

unfeeling,

the water from my tears will erode me

until it destroys me.

I miss being near you,

but every loving word from your mouth

destroys the fragile spines around my heart

so that the bugs can bite in

and suck out the sap of life once more...

The safety I found in you tempts me.

I can’t stop thinking about you.

Your ghost is always by my side,

following me--

a dying memory of what could have been.

I left us like a small town

after a volcanic explosion:

Dead.

Desolate.

Destroyed.

You bring me no safety anymore.

I rose up,

finally,

from the ashes,

and I stayed there until you buried me

when I let you speak,

without fear,

once more.

But oh, how long

my cruel inertia lasts!

You didn’t leave me,

torture mine.

You have stuck yourself to my side,

and you won’t let me go

to that other Earth where things are real

and you are not.

You will be my ruin.

Hopefully soon,

you will be nothing but a dream

of what might have been

but could not be--

A lightning bolt

that gave me life

and took it away

at the same time.

May you cling to me no more,

For I must find my Definitely.

Ever Your Affectionate Prisoner,

A Spirit Who Must Let Go