What do I do?

What do you do when the one who is supposed to love and care for you becomes distant and neglects you?
What are you supposed to do when you have no one who puts you first?

What the hell am I supposed to do when my own damn mother couldn't care less how I'm doing? When no one cares where I am or what I'm doing, Am I expected to just sit and stay? Am I expected to act like this perfect child, even when no one is paying attention?

The few who know of my 1 AM adventures look at me with disapproving eyes, and honestly, I've stopped caring.
It's easier to breathe when no one is around. It's too hard to think in the deafening silence of my mother hibernating in her room. There's no real escape to the blizzard in my brain because this cold leaves me frozen in my tracks.

How am I supposed to feel when things seem to be getting better, but everything is still so hard? When I finally escape my mother's grip, and I can breathe again, but the "what if's" flood my brain and I can't think again. Every coming moment, I'm scared I might slip up and get sent back to where I started- Unable to breathe, unable to think, unable to be happy? What the hell am I supposed to do?