What Hate has Done

Dear God, 

I hate myself and I cant get over it.

Its not hate that is appparent or overwhelming

but,

hate that lingers.

This hate is like an itch I cant scatch.

I know why I hate myself and its the reason I wake to your name and look to better myslef,

but I cant shake my hate.

Like an addiction

I cant stop.

It's  my addiction.

To hate myself.

To hate.

To hate every thing I am.

As I write to you

I feel you,

I feel you take the hate

away

away

but,

I want it.

when it leaves I want it.

It's been a part of me so long

that without it I feel incomplete.

I know though.

I know.

This hate takes the place of your love

but God,

I no longer know how to love just lust. 

So God.

I pary.

I pray.

To love.

Sincerely your Son.