What have you done

I can still feel you, you know how broken you are why do you still hold onto the memory of being broken why do you still hold onto the quilt and pain when you should be happy now. Times have changed don't you see I’m happy so why can't you be too. We grew up together built high walls together to protect us from the abuse from the world especially at home ..but we didn’t call it that we called it a battlefield of scars and bruises and the broken and hollow sound of “get up I didn't hit you that hard so stop crying”! You held me together whipped the tears from my face and told me to stay strong for another season even though you knew it would get worse.

You made me feel safe and better but I found myself stuck you didn't want me to leave when times got better when I wanted help. You are breaking me down mentally and emotionally holding onto the broken pieces of me and wanting them to be like old times. They can’t go back and I don’t want that don’t you remember being so scared to get off the bus with a bad grade on your report card the fear you felt knowing what was to come next. Don’t you remember when the man in your dreams slammed you into a window only for it to become a reality the blood dripping from your face your heart beating so fast with fear?  

I feel the emptiness you feel because you are me the side no one sees that no one feels but me. I know you're scared because we grew up fearing for the worst thinking every day we got to breath was gonna be our last but times have changed, we have changed. I can’t keep trying to fix you over the years I thought pills therapist and sleep would cure you but it didn't you bleed into my new life like an open wound spoiling the good things I had. You kept reminding me of my past bringing me these flashbacks to make me come back making me feel like I was five years old again taking hits like a ball on a soccer field. I can’t have that you make me feel insecure and lonely that no one would love a little-broken girl like me that I did n’t deserve happiness.

Growing up for me was the definition of pain like I was born to take hits to the face and deserved to deal with the brokenness and the loneliness on my own. I know you are broken aren't we all?   I need you to leave I wanna start over I wanna believe I am beautiful and that I do deserve happiness after 15 years of pain so the training wheels are off you can let go now so I can finally ride the roller coaster I call life.