What I Didn't Tell You

Every time you ask me how I'm doing
I tell you I'm good
That life is great
That I'm happy
What I didn't tell you
Is that I haven't slept in three days
That my mind is exhausted
What I didn't tell you 
Is that I spent three hours
Staring at the same spot on my ceiling
At 3 o'clock in the afternoon
Watched the shadows changing on the walls 
Like my demons were dancing in my darkness
I didn't tell you how I locked myself in the bathroom
Stood in the shower for 45 minutes
Like I was trying to wash away my pain
It didn't work
I don't tell you
I haven't eaten in four days
Every time I try my stomach starts fighting and I can't find the strength to defend myself
That the other day I stood up too fast
And my mind has been tilting ever since
I didn't tell you what the voices have been saying
Have been yelling.
Screaming.
Repeating.
Like my mind is a broken record stuck on the same song
Tell me, how can you stop something that isn't actually there?
I don't tell you
That every time I look at a car
I wonder how bad it would hurt 
To crash and burn
If it would even be worth the effort of dying
I wonder why I can't stop thinking about dying
I don't tell you how much I don't want to even be living
But how do you explain the feeling of not wanting to exist?