What I Want My Dad to Know

Dad, I know everything.
From beginning to end.
Let’s start at your childhood.
I know what happened to you,
    about what your dad did.
    why he isn’t around.
I know why you’re on countless medication.
    why you mix your drugs with alcohol.

I know you live in a haze, leaving everyone around you wondering why.
I know …
    you can’t shake your past.
    you want things to be good and to be okay.
    you want to forget and start over.
    you try, but I see your struggle.

I know you fuck up, frequently I might add.

I know you’ve disappointed me more than once.
    you’ve taken your anger out on me and many others.

    Why is it always someone else’s fault?

I know things that you think I don’t.
    you’re an alcoholic.
    you’re bipolar.
    and you’ve got anger issues.

I know why you and my mom never got back together.
    why my dreams of being a family again never came true.

I know you used to hit my mom, probably more times I can count.
I know why she used to flinch when you would yell.
I know why she flinches when any man begins to yell.

I know things you worry about.
    you’ve never hurt me, at least physically anyway.
    why you are scared to be close.
    
    why won't you give me the chance to talk?
    why don’t you want to hear what I have to say or what I know?
    why can’t you move on?


    you’re scared of being alone, yet you push everyone away.
    you want to be a dad and don’t know how.
I know you’re scared of fucking up… again.

I want you to know that I know it all.
I know the good, the bad and everything in between.
I know I’ve always forgave you, because I am you.

But one thing I don’t know…
Why is it so hard to love me..?