what if ?

What if I never see her again?

What if  i never hear the sound

Of her voice again?

What if it starts to fade

Into nothingness?

What if the only thing she can

Remember about is my wimping

Or disturbing silence only speaking

To her with my eyes saying

“Please don't go?”   

Is love so distorted to her

That the thought of

Jumping of a cliff sounds

More like success

Then the thought of staying with me for 5 minutes

Do i remind her of the hand that hit

Her like a ton of bricks while she was sleeping

Or do i remind her of the piercing needles that told her

She wasn't good enough.

Or maybe the sorrowful feelings

That sunk into her after saying

“I do”

Does she love me?

Does she love me like the sky loves the sun

Or like thirst loves water

Like the mountains love the snow or

Am I not good enough  or smart enough

Does she love me like a secret she wants

She wants to keep yet run away from

But the embarrassment of letting it

Go is far to painful for her to take her first step

Does she hate me? Does she hate me like the dog hates the cat ?

Like lungs hate the cigarette?

Like fish hates land ?

What if the answer to this is simple…

She's afraid.. She’s doubtful. That thinking of loving

Anyone else is to overwhelming because she cant love herself  or her own daughter

Me?

This is the reality i’ll probably never be able to accept.

Even when my bones are brittle and my teeth start falling of like apples on the tree. Maybe my last words will be

“Please don't go