What if?

Blinded by the attractiveness of a boy that I just met, I don’t realize the distance between us is thousands of miles. They only have to show slight interest before I’m “in love”. He’ll say “hey” and ill ramble on about me. It doesn’t peak my interest at all that I’m being used as a one time thing to cause temporary happiness. And its hard to find a guy that wants something more, more than just my body, or my time. Ive had my heart crushed many times, at my own fault, due to being selfish and rushing things. Im also very self deprecating. I see my self as ugly, imperfect, worthless, this is due to the fact that, I was told this growing up, and I started to believe these things. I have acne, I’m short, I’m fat, my teeth are crooked and not paper white. Its painful waking up every morning and looking in the mirror, I see someone I wish I wasn’t. Sitting in-front of the mirror and crying, and wishing that I meant something to someone, not because of my physical attributes. I wanna be called beautiful everyday, like those super models on instagram. I wanna have someone always be there for me, Im always told to just be patient, someone will come. Is the time needed for my glow-up, to be frankly I don’t think thats gonna happen, but I can dream.I hate thinking that the girls he is with now, is great with him, because I still see myself with him. It hurts to think what if, I had not fucked up, where would we be? What if I was prettier, skinnier, would we still be talking. But I guess thats why they call it what if?