What I'm Not Supposed to Feel

The line blurred before I could notice or stop myself Likely when life got busy as I packed away 18 years into suitcases When the last hug and the last goodbye outside the terminal Made me realize things about how my heart saw you Things I realised way too late Maybe distance wasn't actually distance at all Maybe it was the universe telling me that it would never work Years of conversations that covered anything and everything under the Sun Dreams, doubts, and opinions I didn't dare to share with anyone else Except you Continents apart yet you were still the safest place I knew Where I could trust my brain and heart Because you stayed I didn't ask you to But you still did Maybe it fell natural to you As easy as breathing Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months Between the endless late-night conversations My entire day shifting with just a glimpse of your name in my notifications Clicking on it meant being trusted with pieces about you that the world would never see The familiarity flooded and I mistook being known for being chosen How stupid of me, am I right Because someone would eventually come into the picture And when she did, I smiled I meant it. Mostly She called me her older sister and I called her my younger one You became "my brother from another mother" A sentence I created And repeated enough that it soon became something sharp enough to cut me My heart quietly coming undone as I said it with a smile on my face Deep down, I knew very well what I refused to admit, even to myself There would always be a line Invisible, unspoken, permanent A line I would never be able to cross Because one day, someone else will stand where I silently imagined I would Someone will know versions of you that I will never get to see And I'll still smile through it all Because that's what friends do, don't they?