What is joy?

Will I forever act as if I am alone? I feel like I am pushing everyone away—Ironic isn’t it? I always lament my solitude, my lonely nature, and yet it is my fault; I push people away out of fear of their rejection. I make them think that I am fine, that I desire to be alone, Yet I angrily assault them in my mind with the most evil phrases. How dare I, the most wretched of beings, look down upon, Or have contempt for anyone else? However, my inconsistency remains. Why? Am I forever burdened with darkness? Forever cursed? Or am I being unreasonable, like much of my friends claim? Is this all a figment of my imagination, am I being hard on myself? No. My life is simply a chasm of self-loathing and dismal thoughts. CRASH! Like lightning, the scorching touch of reality hits me: I am in dire need of someone to wake me from this everlasting nightmare! I need somebody to lift this burden of perpetual pessimism! If only someone would grant me this, perhaps all of my pain would fade away. Perhaps all of my faults, fears, and doubts would flee from my presence. But now I’m being unrealistic. Oh well, at least I have my melancholy nature. If that is, in fact, a good thing.