What makes me tick

I feel obligated, I feel helpless, I feel guilty. All you feel is sadness.It’s easier for you to finish the bottle than to take what I have to offer. What else could I have done? What else could I have said? To change your mind, to choose me over the buzz. I could always smell the booze on your breathe. I always knew I had lost you to alcohol. You’re a different person when you’re drunk. You have your demons and I have mine. The booze can’t drown them and neither can I. And nothing has left me feeling so cold. Who are you to take on such a role. A role of leadership, a role of responsibility, a role to to protect and love. Who are you to take on such a role. A role you can’t fill. A role you were never truly ready for. A role you don’t deserve. I can’t help but love you. I can’t help but to defend you. How can I judge, how can I say these words, when what you need is help. What you need is guidance. What you need is what I can’t offer. All I can give is my unconditional  love. That will never be enough. The anger. The frustration. I hate you for not being able to change. At least for me. I feel obligated by you, to be the same person I was yesterday. To put my whole spirit into trying to fix the cracks and broken pieces of your vacant existence. But I feel myself constantly changing. Constantly growing. I don’t want what I wanted yesterday. I won’t want tomorrow what I want today. I wanted to help you in the mid of July. I now feel the chilled Autumn air on my skin. What else am I to do? I don’t think that I’m strong enough to be the weak one. To let myself be naked and express to you the hurt you have caused. Maybe I couldn’t live with myself. To know that I put the burden of that knowledge on you. Or would it even fase you? Would it interrupt your destructive behavior? Would it have you holding the bottle to your stained lips, paused as you contemplate the damage you have done to the naive souls that love you so dear? Remember when I would sit by your side before my bed time and we would argue about who loved the other more? It’s been made clear. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the hurt of being right. I wanted to make you happy, I wanted to make you better. But I forgot about myself. I will not walk out of this earth the way you will, too weak to enjoy the warmth of love that sometimes burns. There were years where I didn’t have a father, I was too young to let it bother me. Now that I am grown, I see all of the lives alcohol can seize. I want to shout and scream in your face, instead I’ll stay silent.There are spaces inside of us filled with grudges you cannot rid of. Some of us have missing pieces, and I’m afraid I’m missing my will to forgive. I have noone to blame but you.