What's It Like..?

What is it like?

When suddenly, you wake up one morning,

You’re body completely shuts down.

You try with everything you have to move, but the limbs feel so weak, it hurts.

Your brain is on a rollercoaster; one minute it’s this, the next minute it’s that.

You lay down, there are 10 minutes to get to school.

Your mom tells you, “I can start your car, but you need to go,”

But even with all of the strength, you find it impossible to move.

The thoughts start flooding in.

Pain, Guilt, Shame, Dishonor, Hate, the comments, everything.

The pain from what you felt from someone, wanting to be with them

Guilt, you did something the previous nights, Friday, and after it happened you cried, continuing the whole next day for 4 hours straight in the car, nearly crashing, them being mad you didn’t hang out with them because you were too busy fucking everything up for yourself.

You tell yourself it was fun, but you miss the person you really should have seen.

They tell you to ‘fuck off’ and that they’ll ‘talk to you tomorrow’ but you want to now.

Finally, when you’re lying your bed again, staring at the ceiling because you can’t even move.

It’s like you’re paralyzed.

Your parents begin to feel increasingly concerned.

They wouldn’t get it, they know youre sad, but it’s  not just a sadness…

It’s a great depression. As if someone has lit a match on everything and you just want to disappear.

It’s nearly four o’clock…

They text you. You get in your car and go over.

The two of you are parked next to the river in town, a secret place no one goes to ever.

It starts, you start to tell them more of why you’re sad, and how hurt you were by what they said.

They start talking about the iconic ex.

The ex who has allegedly ruined your life and self confidence over all.

How the fact that they still text them, visit them, makes them mad but hard to forget.

You start to cry, yet promised you wouldn’t so you swallow it down and take another drag of the cigarette.

You hate them, but for the past few years, it was all you’d seen, and a stress relief.

Iconic sad phase some go through.

You flick it out and the two of you start back to the house.

When you're parked, you were still arguing.

It progressed to talking it out. You go to the room, lay down, talk, before it’s time to go.

Two days pass.

Sunday night, however, they are gone. This is where it starts.

Guilt. Pain. Shame.

Shame because you heard your parents talking about the financial struggles,

You have them as well, but you care about them.

So you go and do what you can to help them.

Your eyes begin to water thinking about them.

Then, before you know it, the texts began coming in.

Usually, you’re able to handle it and just get over the fact,

But right now, it feels like you’re going to throw up.

You sprint to the bathroom and cry.

Back to the beginning.

The time is now 7:33am on a Monday.

Your legs and arms start shaking, you’re about to have a panic attack.

Tears come streaming down your face;

Everyone’s going to know you’re sad.

What you did.

See what you look like, why would you come to school like that?

What you’re going to be doing.

They all hate you. No one even cares if you’re there or not.

Disappearing wouldn’t be so bad, try it.

You fall apart on the ground and your mom tells you to go in the room, she’ll be back soon.

Laying in your bed, these thoughts, feelings, mood swings, no eating for days.

So what is it like?

Unexplainable; no one is the same, but those without it could never understand the thought.