When I Go To Find Myself, I Know Where I'll Be

Location

I'm finally going to fill up the pages of my life. 

No more blanks. No more hesitation to fill in the spaces

with bold, deliberate strokes. 

 

I'm going to be able to focus again

and spend my time thinking about the universe

or time, or circumstance, or existence;

or really BEING with my friends

and my family

and my interactions will be whole

and they'll be meaningful

and I won't be sad that I can't give more. 

 

I'm going to use my time to achieve and accomplish

smaller things and bigger things

and confidently conquer the world

while working to get to where I want to be. 

 

I'm not anxious, or self concerned, and my self

consciousness doesn't make me want to shrink back and

get quieter, paler, or remind me why I shouldn't be

VIBRANT

and proudly BE.

 

I want to exist with purpose that isn't

destructive. I won't look at nature wistfully, 

but appreciatively, 

and I'll be able to accept and love and spread

that sense of wonder and contentment that comes with

being happy just because

I am a part of it. 

 

I won't begrudge myself happiness, or forever dwell

on the errors and the wrongs and the mistakes that I've made

and continue to let myself believe that I 

can't participate

in the love and intimacy of 

truly knowing others. 

 

I will be so much a part of my life. 

I will learn what true fullness is

and I will cry at the magnitudesignificanceawesomeness

sincerityprofunditybeautyabsoluteness

of this feeling

that has eluded me this whole time. 

 

I will be brave in the face of my doubts, 

and I will be stronger for others. 

I will live the life that I have wanted for myself

all along, 

without being distracted by my fears, 

or deterring myself

in the belief that I cannot and am not 

enough. 

 

I am going to feel so much. 

 

And I will do other things, 

seemingly insignificant, 

like eating a bowl of cereal. 

I will mean it when I say 

that I don't want any, 

because it will no longer come from a place of doubt

and insecurity. 

 

I will trust and invest in myself

and in others. I will allow myself 

to really feel, 

and the connections may be fleeting, 

but they will be authentic. 

 

I think it would be lovely, 

really, tragically beautiful, to be able to cry, 

be upset, or be angry

without feeling more responsible to others

than to myself. 

 

I will use my true voice

and I will be amused, consumed, entrenched, 

engulfed, enraptured

by my fearexcitementempathyhappinessconfusionfrustration

when I feel and know myself again. 

 

I will learn for the very, very first time

who I am

without bulimia

and this perpetual sense of shame

and it will be like stepping into the sunshine

and finally meeting true warmth.

 

I am excited to get to know myself again. I am sad for the 

time that I've lost

and the self that I've lost. 

But I won't always be sad about that. 

 

I know that, more than anything I will be

grateful to have experienced so much

painsadnessnumbnessfearworryhardhsipshameguiltembarrassment

because it has allowed me to 

forced me to

find myself.

 

And for the first time also, those that I know and love

and those that I don't know yet

will have a chance to finally see all o fme

and to truly know me;

even and especially the parts that I'm

afraid of letting anyone see. 

 

Trusting myself, and trusting others and 

knowing that we are all trying our hardest

to be who and what and how we want to be

adn knowing that we all come up short sometimes

will be reassurance that we are all, finally

human.

 

I will love myself despite my flaws, and maybe

I will even revel in them because THESE 

are the things that make me

quintessentially 

myself.

 

No.

I won't define myself in such lines and terms

and set expectations that I don't understand

or find achievable. 

I will live day by day,

and I will make the best of it;

but I will no longer terrorize myself

or hurt myself

or see the reflection of my failures

in vomit.

 

 

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