I'm finally going to fill up the pages of my life.
No more blanks. No more hesitation to fill in the spaces
with bold, deliberate strokes.
I'm going to be able to focus again
and spend my time thinking about the universe
or time, or circumstance, or existence;
or really BEING with my friends
and my family
and my interactions will be whole
and they'll be meaningful
and I won't be sad that I can't give more.
I'm going to use my time to achieve and accomplish
smaller things and bigger things
and confidently conquer the world
while working to get to where I want to be.
I'm not anxious, or self concerned, and my self
consciousness doesn't make me want to shrink back and
get quieter, paler, or remind me why I shouldn't be
and proudly BE.
I want to exist with purpose that isn't
destructive. I won't look at nature wistfully,
and I'll be able to accept and love and spread
that sense of wonder and contentment that comes with
being happy just because
I am a part of it.
I won't begrudge myself happiness, or forever dwell
on the errors and the wrongs and the mistakes that I've made
and continue to let myself believe that I
in the love and intimacy of
truly knowing others.
I will be so much a part of my life.
I will learn what true fullness is
and I will cry at the magnitudesignificanceawesomeness
of this feeling
that has eluded me this whole time.
I will be brave in the face of my doubts,
and I will be stronger for others.
I will live the life that I have wanted for myself
without being distracted by my fears,
or deterring myself
in the belief that I cannot and am not
I am going to feel so much.
And I will do other things,
like eating a bowl of cereal.
I will mean it when I say
that I don't want any,
because it will no longer come from a place of doubt
I will trust and invest in myself
and in others. I will allow myself
to really feel,
and the connections may be fleeting,
but they will be authentic.
I think it would be lovely,
really, tragically beautiful, to be able to cry,
be upset, or be angry
without feeling more responsible to others
than to myself.
I will use my true voice
and I will be amused, consumed, entrenched,
by my fearexcitementempathyhappinessconfusionfrustration
when I feel and know myself again.
I will learn for the very, very first time
who I am
and this perpetual sense of shame
and it will be like stepping into the sunshine
and finally meeting true warmth.
I am excited to get to know myself again. I am sad for the
time that I've lost
and the self that I've lost.
But I won't always be sad about that.
I know that, more than anything I will be
grateful to have experienced so much
because it has allowed me to
forced me to
And for the first time also, those that I know and love
and those that I don't know yet
will have a chance to finally see all o fme
and to truly know me;
even and especially the parts that I'm
afraid of letting anyone see.
Trusting myself, and trusting others and
knowing that we are all trying our hardest
to be who and what and how we want to be
adn knowing that we all come up short sometimes
will be reassurance that we are all, finally
I will love myself despite my flaws, and maybe
I will even revel in them because THESE
are the things that make me
I won't define myself in such lines and terms
and set expectations that I don't understand
or find achievable.
I will live day by day,
and I will make the best of it;
but I will no longer terrorize myself
or hurt myself
or see the reflection of my failures