When I Realized

Before my mother came to this country,

before my father chose drugs over his family,

I was here.

Before I was given a name,

Before I touched this earth,

 I was here.

The experiences I been through,

I felt as though I lived through them a thousand times.

Maybe that's the reason God doesn't respond,

When I question my existence. 

When I ask

Why?

I hear silence.

The world was different when I was younger,

The world seemed so big

it still does, 

But I realized it's filled with dangerous people,

And those people are sometimes the one closest to you. 

I realized I was growing up,

when I didn't care that my father broke his promises for the millionth time.

I realized I was growing up, 

when things that used to keep me up a night don't bother me anymore.

I realized I was growing up,

when I started taking care of my own mental health.

When I got tired of sleeping all day,

When I got tired of not eating,

When I got tired of being depressed.

I realized I was growing up when I finally chose to live

Instead of dying.

Because I finally realized 

that my life may not be perfect,

but there is some sick child in the hospital

that can't walk

or has cancer

but would love to have the life I have now.

I realized I was growing up

when I appreciated myself,

when I started  to push those bad thoughts away,

when I stopped having those table for one pity parties,

When I realized those voices in my head were lying. 

I realized I was growing up

when I realized ,

that I am stronger than I think.

And that finally I am worthy of love,

and my life is really in Gods hands.