When I realized that I loved you, and then I didn't.
Dear E.
When I first realized I loved you, I realize my mornings were different.
I would actually wake up, and not just that but I would actually get up from my bed.
I wouldn’t just toss and turn in my bed searching for a purpose, a reason, an excuse to live today.
I’ll walk over to my bathroom mirror and actually look.
I didn’t just ignore the reflection staring back at me and simply brushed my teeth.
This time I actually saw myself, not just that but actually start to like the person I was becoming.
When I first realized I was in love with you, how I saw things became different.
I went outside, I hate going outside.
Sometimes it’s too cold or too hot.
Sometimes it’s windy and the sun is too bright.
But this time when I stepped outside, I saw a world full of life.
Trees full of hope.
Roads of endless possibilities.
It was beautiful.
For the first time I saw colors, different shades and it was incredible.
You took me to the mall on our first date, followed by a romantic dinner at Applebee’s which he paid for ladies.
I hate malls.
You bump into too many people.
There are so many different smells.
Too many people asking me if I want to buy their product that they're selling when I know, you know, he knows and everybody here knows I don’t have the money.
When I was with you, I only saw you.
I only smelled the cologne on your Adidas jacket.
I only felt your hand grabbing mine.
On my birthday you gave me a ring, perfumes, lotions, balloons and a cake.
Romantic right?
Let me tell you, that that ring sits inside the same box it was in, in the same bag you gave it to me in, inside a drawer in my room.
When I realized I still love you, I open the drawer, take out the box from inside the bag, open the box and place that ring on my finger just to feel close to you again.
I open the birthday card and read your promises, that card is tucked in the back of the notebook that I’m writing in.
I carry it with me everywhere I go.
You used to always tickle me.
I hate being tickled but you showed me how to laugh again.
Showed me how to live again.
And for a second I loved it, I love you.
The first time you kissed me and I felt the chills coursing through my veins.
And my heart was beating a thousand miles a minute.
And in that moment I didn’t feel so alone.
I love you.
The first time you told me you loved me, all our late night phone calls, and all the times that I went to your house and just lay there with you.
I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I can’t say it enough for you to realize that I have never loved anyone before.
I never believed in love growing up.
I was taught that love wasn’t enough to keep two people from falling apart.
You proved my point.
It simply didn’t exist.
You should be proud and ashamed of yourself, for you are the first person I loved after I loved myself.
I want you to feel the pain that I feel, but I love you and I don’t want to feel anything at all.
I don’t want to hurt you, my love.
“I want to be single” he said.
My heart was ripped out of my chest and shattered into millions of pieces.
It was thrown into the emptiness and loneliness of a black hole.
I am alone again and I have become lost.
I don’t want to love anyone again, I don’t want anyone to love me.
Because I don’t want to feel that pain again, and I don’t wish that pain on anyone else.
Maybe I shouldn’t love you.
When one day I realize that I no longer love you, I will sell the ring you gave me and I'll burn every promise you made to me.
I'll burn the birthday card.
I'll delete your pictures and our memories.
I'll write a damn good poem. And then I'll say goodnight.
So tell me, do you feel like a man now for breaking my heart?
Sincerely, the girl who loves you and the girl you will never love back
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