"When I was a Kid"

By Steven Steed 

When I was a Kid 

Some people say “when I was a kid”

Playing games was all I did 

Others say “ when I was a kid” 

I could never imagine eating squid

But things are different now right

The past years changed my sight 

I see a different light 

 And I feel like a kite 

So free 

Filled with glee 

But what people don’t see 

Is how I came to be

Because I wasn't that kid that played games

My friends would be happy but I never felt the same 

Because I felt like I was lame 

And in my mind I was the one to blame 

But Why do I feel so different? 

And Why do I feel so distant? 

See because when I was a kid

I contemplated if I was gay 

Every single day 

I lived with three sisters 

They were always in the vicinity 

So as you might expect I developed some femininity 

I was taught to have good manners 

I also learned that women are not the best planners 

I learned how to dress 

How to shop for less 

And clean up my mess 

oh yeah and my oldest sister really likes that purse from Guess 

So maybe I am gay right? 

Wrong

Just like the killers of King Kong 

I misunderstood the sources of where all this was coming from 

Its like trying to figure out a math equation while binge drinking rum 

I totally forgot in second grade an incident happened

but in my mind its been blackened 

Because I was raped by my uncle 

8 years later I finally told somebody 

I took so long because I didn't think anybody would care 

Just like drunk people doing a dare 

Kids playing foursquare 

Or a relationship affair

Because when I was raped nobody was there

So you see, this is why I thought I was gay

I really had no say 

I grew up that way 

And to this day

I still get shit for it but its okay 

I just smile and walk away 

Because people don't know my story 

 They cant fathom whats in my inventory 

They don't know what I went through 

Not even a clue 

Because being diagnosed with type 2 PTSD came way out of the blue

And realizing the only person who needed saving was you 

I feel like its de ja vu 

Oh wait but I'm lying its just my flash backs 

Panic attacks

Depression that I can’t fight back

Sleep that I lack 

Memories that I cant bring back 

Anxiety that derails me off my tracks

I just feel like I’m constantly stepping on thumbtacks 

I still go to therapy 

But I found forgiveness in my sincerity 

I’ve learned to not hold on to the past

To live for the here and now and not forecast 

I want to last 

 Have a blast 

Smell the grass 

Drink lemonade out the glass 

Middle class 

Be a smartass 

Fly first class 

Smack my girlfriends ass 

Learn something I wont remember like the law of conservation of mass 

I guess what Im trying to say is 

Don’t hold on to the past 

It’s not a blast

Don't judge a book by its cover 

Because You might actually love her 

Don’t let society tell you who you are

who knows you can be a film star 

And I have nothing against gays 

Shit sometimes they make my days 

And I feel like I can relate to all the prejudicial prey 

Because when I was a kid 

I contemplated if I was gay 

Every single day.