When My Emotions Came Back

When my emotions came back, they didn't come back all at once.

As someone who struggled with depression for 4 years, i had forgotten what emotions felt like.

Sure, i could laugh and i could be disappointed, but those were all superficial.

Inside, i was still a void. I didn't really feel anything in my heart.

Anger was the first to come back.

The fall of 2015.

I wasn’t angry all the time. Most of the time, i was still an empty void.

But still anger was back, and i suppose something was better than nothing.

I distinctly remember going hiking and being so angry that my camera had died.

Photography was something i vaguely remember enjoying before my depression, so i tried to get into it again.

And when my camera died, i was very angry.

I was angry for hours.

It felt great.

Not because i enjoy being angry.

But because i was alive!

I could feel something!

Disgust was the second to come back.

The winter of 2016, several months after anger.

Which is a long time.

When disgust came back, it was terrible.

What had i done to my body?

Scars everywhere, nasty, revolting scars.

And the eating disorders? Gross.

Starving myself while drinking stupid bitter bean water? Disgusting.

And forcing myself to throw up everytime i ate? That was the worst.

So i stopped dieting. Which. Sounds a lot easier than it actually was. It sucked butt.

But after a month or so.

I was okay.

I had also gained 40 pounds. So i was disgusted again.

Sadness came back in the fall of 2016, almost a year after anger did.

I remember very clearly the moment it came back, after i had been removed from marching band.

See, marching band was something that kept me going through my depression.

It kept my energy up, which is difficult during depression. It's hard to just lie around and do nothing, feel nothing when the band needed me. The performance was incomplete without everyone present and working hard.

So when i was removed...i felt my heart split into two.

That was the first time that i had really cried since my depression begun.

Tears spilled down my cheeks and i struggled to breathe. I cried on and off for a whole day.

Joy came back in the fall of 2016.

I was back in the band again and it felt great.

Performing my heart out and loving every single second. Every single note and every single time i tossed my flag.

Even though it was cold, my cheeks were flushed and i felt warm and good inside. Like a chocolate chip cookie just out of the oven.

Fear came back slowly. There was never a definitive moment where i knew i had that emotion again.

It developed as i healed from my depression and the trauma that occured while i was depressed.

In the fall of 2016, i was diagnosed with anxiety disorder.

In the spring of 2017, i was diagnosed with PTSD.

The anxiety attacks became really bad, and i had trouble maintaining control.

It something that scares me even now.

 

After 2 years, all of my emotions had returned. Not to say that sometimes i didn't still feel the void, but at least it wasn’t all of the time.

And i feel so alive.

 

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