WHEN MY SILENCE SCREAMS:

I am feeling sad and I don't know why. Well, I do, but I don't want to talk. I don't want opinions, I don't want advice, all I need right now is for you to hold my hand and walk me through the cold. Just love me even more that you've ever done before. I don't want to be fixed, I just need support. I know I've distanced myself and yet I feel so alone, It is when my silence screams that I need you the most. But I'm so fearful of your response, I'm afraid of getting judged, It's hard to open up about what's difficult to understand. I keep hiding my pain and acting like I don't care because... I don't even have the energy to explain anymore. This sadness, o' this sadness, has reached my core. It burns my veins and pulverizes my bones. I've been shot in my legs, my lungs, my head, and I'm basically dead. as I crawl into my bed and stay there motionless, neglecting myself. Without combing my hair, refusing to see my reflection in the mirror. It's like I'm not even there: I don't want to eat, or dance, or sing a song, I don't even want to answer my phone. And it gets worst, as abuse from the past reminds me of those days in which I asked for help and was mistreated instead. And so I lock myself in a room, wanting so bad to be heard. But I'm just way too scared to even bare the thought of getting a bad response. Or even worse, of feeling like you don't care, or for you to invalidate my pain. For you to feel enraged or tired of my voice, for you are used to my pain, but that doesn't change the fact... it still hurts. and I know my wounds are hard to bare, and I don't want to cause pain, that's why I hide, I become a ghost. I'm not the liar type but this truth is hard to digest. And then I cry myself to sleep, and things just get worse, and when I'm loosing myself, I realize that I must; Step Up. For I need a hug, I need a friend, but I haven't called for so long that you may have thought that I don't want you in my life anymore. And no, my friend, no! It's just so hard to comprehend that anxiety and depression keep driving me insane. It can't be fixed in a day, and I don't want you to force upon your advice. And if I don't follow...I don't want you to get mad. I don't want you to become the ruler of my life. I just want you to be there loving me unconditionally, for only I can save myself, and that takes work. It requires all the strength I've got. Just to get out of bed and face another day, and when therapy becomes my new normal, and my life revolves around the same freaking old, and persistent pain I am tormented and drained and no, no, no, NO. I do not want to talk about it anymore. People ask, to respond, and all I need is some hope. Just a second in which my soul feels loved, and the flame of hope gets awakened within, when for just one instant, one minute, one day, I get to smile again.